Urgent appeal

On Monday 1st April, a man hunt is being launched in Gainsborough, which is hoped will lead to the arrest of The Phantom Ear-Basher.

For some time now many local shoppers have been observed to pause suddenly, clamp one hand to the side of their head and start muttering.

The Phantom is described as being an elderly white male with greying beard, a pale prison complexion, mad staring eyes, reeks of rum and is believed to be living rough on board a small boat moored on the River Trent.

If seen do not approach, contact the nearest Rapid Response Unit immediately and with your help this whinging, complaining old codger will soon be behind bars and the good folk of Gainsborough can once again walk the town without fear.

S. Holmes

Baker Street