It makes little or no Census

Census form reminder pic.'Pic by Kevin Allen.  121134a.  '23/03/11.
Census form reminder pic.'Pic by Kevin Allen. 121134a. '23/03/11.

THIS question is left intentionally blank.

Why? Why? Why?

Surely the Government could have saved hundreds of thousands of pounds if they just put a question in Number 17 in the national census?

How come they can get away with it anyway? I’d soon get hauled in front of my editor if I just ran ‘this page has been intentionally left blank’ instead of my column.

Perhaps I should try it next week eh? Mind you then I would have to face the wrath of you, my adoring public.

The letters of complaint I would receive would no doubt cause our postman to pull a muscle in his back.

Being the organised soul that I am I filled in my Census weeks ago of course, and popped it off first class.

Filling in forms has to be one of the worst jobs there is.

The tricky thing for me was fitting ‘the voice of reason in Gainsborough’ into the tiny space left under ‘occupation’.

I should think the legions of 35,000 Census collectors will no doubt be descending on Gainsborough to collect countless forms that the lazy general public have not bothered to fill in.

I should have just filled out one big generic Census for the entire town and sent that off instead.

Under occupation of course there’s only really two options ‘retired’ or ‘unemployed’.

In fact I think I’m the only one in town who puts in a full week.

And under religion I’m not sure that ‘worshipping cheap cider down the park’ would count.

Another tricky question was which overnight guests I might have staying on Sunday.

I’ve got a blind date that’s been lined up by my sister.

I had the awkward task of phoning the lucky lass to ask if she thinks the date will go well and she would like to come back to the boat for a night-cap.

I had to find out in advance for the Census form.

And praise the lord despite only a brief chat on the phone she said she would like to come see the ship.

However we then went on to fill in the rest of the form and I didn’t like some of her answers, so I struck a line through that section and chucked the page in the bin along with the lass’ phone number.

It only seems like yesterday we did the last Census. I can’t believe it’s been 10 years. Of course the options to fill it in online were more limited back then.

Who knows how we’ll be filling in the census in another 10 years.

Flying cars driven by robots will no doubt be collecting the forms, which will written with lazer pens on recyclable glass.

I look forward to it.

Although with the population boom that’s planned for Gainsborough the skies will be grid locked with traffic jams and it’ll probably be one laser pen per four adults.

Oh well as long as the Government hasn’t made drinking in public illegal then I won’t mind.

The Captain