MONTHS after the Gainsborough Standard ran a front page about local farmers experiencing a drought finally the water shortage has hit the headlines.
All because a few Londoners might not be able to run their hose pipes this summer to keep their manicured lawns looking lush, well my heart bleeds.
Never mind the fact that Lincolnshire’s been in drought crisis for months.
Although bobbing about on the Trent I can’t say I feel a deal lower than I did this time last year. But apparently we’re in danger of rivers running dry.
I shall only start to panic when my bottom scrapes the sea bed.
I must stress it is unlikely the Trent will dry up. I don’t want to be responsible for a load of yokels storming the Co-op and Tesco to buy all the bottled water.
But still, such a warning should be taken seriously.
And I am delighted that since running the story on page one a few residents (mainly those who skulk round the market) have heeded advice to such an extent that they have ceased bathing. Delightful.
The national advice is to take four-minute showers to save water.
Since most locals in this county already spend less time than that washing I expect in Lincolnshire advice will be a one and a half minute shower instead.
Advice also includes letting your grass grow a bit longer. Looking at all the overgrown wasteland on abandoned brown field sites in Gainsborough I think we’re already doing our bit on this front too.
Further recommendations include switching off the tap when brushing your teeth.
Well judging by the waifs and strays who visited on our open day lots of you haven’t got a full set.
Nor do you spend an excessive amount of time at the sink morning and night looking after your dental hygiene.
In fact I am pretty sure we’re already all doing our bit to stop the drought here in Gainsborough.
Perhaps some of those Londoners could have a week off washing their sports cars for a change instead?
Or they could drain off some of the water from their large open-air swimming pools and use it to wash themselves with instead?
One of my favourite ways to save water is to lure a dirty woman into my bath for some good clean, water saving fun.
However last time I suggested it in one of our local public houses I was given a short shrift and a stinging slap from the wench in question.
Still the offer is out there if any of the town’s women folk feel that strongly about saving our depleting water supplies.
Lasses with beards need not apply.
I’m open to any other water saving tips if my loving fan base can suggest some.