The Captain: Gainsborough ain’t big enough for both of us

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These ‘hotel coming to Gainsborough’ stories just won’t go away will they?

And they present us with some very puzzling conundrums.

Firstly they must mean that both the council and the hotel companies actually think there are people who want to visit Gainsborough.

Not for the day you understand.

They must think there are people willing to stay overnight.

Who are these dangerous eccentrics?

I read in a travel section once about travel companies who specialise in organised tours of places off the beaten track, where the likes of you and I would fear to tread.

War torn Iraq, Syria and Afghanistan, the US/Mexican border, the inaccessible jungles of Papua New Guinea, even Scotland.

But Gainsborough? Surely that’s a step too far?

There can be few places on Earth that are more hazardous and inhospitable to outsiders than this town.

The people who go on these sorts of holidays are adrenaline-junkie voyeurs who get off on seeing the full horrors that the world has to offer.

But this is a local town for local people. Outsiders should steer well clear, that’s my advice.

Anyway, surely there isn’t an insurance company in the world brave enough to insure someone for travel to West Lindsey?

It must be easier to get insurance for a skiing holiday on K2.

Also, we only want a hotel if it is something that is special. If it has the wow factor.

I am thinking of something along the lines of the Burj Al Arab in Dubai. A sleek tower of 7 star luxury, with a personalised butler service, world class restaurants, and a helicopter taxi service.

The sort of hotel built specifically for the likes of the Captain.

Sadly that all seems unlikely given that Premier Inn has recently been touted as the most likely chain to build the new hotel.

Does this mean the Captain will have to share the town with Lenny Henry when he turns up to do one of those adverts?

I’m not sure there is room on the Riverside for both of us...