Carrying an old flame

HUNDREDS of bags of fan mail fill the Captain’s inbox every week from readers who love my wit and charm, and that’s just the men.

Never mind the heaps of love letters that our receptionists have to drag up three flights of steps to greet me every morning.

Clearly there are plenty of people in the town carrying a flame for this old Captain.

Why then have I not been approached and asked to carry the Olympic torch through the county?

A popular athletic titan such as myself would surely be the best way to honour the games?

I’m offended to say the least, and fully expect some-sort of gilded invite to appear within a week of this rant going to press.

Of course, I cannot promise that I won’t be washing my beard that night, but it would be nice to be asked.