Captain’s Column: Drought? What drought is that?

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WE are told that Gainsborough is experiencing a drought.

In fact, if you look at a map of the drought affected areas in the UK you will see that our fair town is meant to be bone dry.

But how could this possibly be?

We seem to be in the middle of 40 days and 40 nights of rain - so how can there still be a shortage of water? And it’s true too, the Trent was much shallower a few week’s ago. So where is the rain going?

Last Wednesday there was so much water on market place I could have sailed to work.

It’s been relentless, hardly seeming to stop.

And when it’s not been raining, hailstones the size of Mint Imperials have been pounding down from the leaden skies, threatening the paintwork on my vessel.

As I gaze upon the swirling, murky waters of the River Trent, I can see that it is once again deeper than a piece of Freudian psychoanalysis.

As I write this now I am looking out at dark, foreboding clouds, from which fall a steady stream of raindrops, which pitter patter on the double glazing .

Out on the streets folk try and go about their business while cowering underneath their umbrellas, as the rain teems down.

So how long will this wet weather have to go on for before these demented drought warnings are lifted?

If an alien came down from outer space it would think the human race were the most ridiculous shambolic species in the whole universe, and us Brits in particular the most preposterous of the lot.

We are a nation of people who always seem to be in panic mode.

Petrol shortages, droughts, floods, immigration, hospital superbugs, the financial crisis, terrorism, we love to have something or other to get in a flap about.

The thought of having nothing to panic about also sends us into a panic. It’s madness.

But the weather is our favourite - we love getting het up

Yet we have probably the tamest climate on the planet.

Over the course of the year the temperature varies by about 20 degrees.

Hardly the Sahara Desert or Siberian Tundra is it?

And when was the last time a twister touched down in Scotter, or a Category 5 hurricane flattened Misterton?

Sometimes it rains, sometimes it’s sunny. Sometimes it’s warm sometimes it’s a bit nippy. Let’s just deal with it, eh?